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the JOURNAL 2006

Happy new year 2006 1/1/06
so tell me what you think about the . I'm aware that I need to find something besides yellow for the main font, but was the best I could do at the time. The 'shot is one of mine, cleaned up in paintshop or something.

I'm going away for a bit, at least until the 22nd of June. With friends and such. I don't believe I will be able to update until I get back.

9/26/05
or not. We're sort of messed up, you see. One of my people has been staying at my house for the past few days. It's kind of nice, like how only-children think that having a sister is actually like. you go everywhere together, have serious discussions, and bake brownies at three am. Not that me and my actual real sister haven't done that before, but really, I come from the kind of family where we don't speak to each other for a week because of an overhand vs underhand argument.

But everybody's graduating and I'm justifiably 'fraid that we'll never see each other again. And seniors are already out of school and I'm not. Christ, people are *already* visiting.

6/19/05
Bah, my internet's been down again. Which sucks because I saw the matrix on *wednesday* and I really wanted to brag about it. Yeah. I don't know why they call it a sneak preview, I mean there were four showtimes that night.

The theatre has raised its price to eight dollars. That's a lot. I can get three mocha malts for eight dollars. I can get half a tank of gas for eight dollars, i shit you not. It's the magic of driving a reasonably sized car. But you know what I can't get for eight dollars? (see previous rant)

Speaking of shaver blades, my dad is starting to get damn mad at me. It's his own fault, really. And added to that, I found out that *Ollie* is allowed to use his shaver blades, but I am not. It could be economics, I mean I use more than they do. But Ollie therefore wouldn't have a problem paying for his own, whereas I would.

He's been generally annoyed with me lately and I have a feeling asto why. I mean, *Ollie* looks more like his real kid than I do. (continuing)

3/17/05
Bad mood again. Even my Ella Fitzgerald can't get me out of it. They've raised the price on razorblades again. Ten dollars for a pack of four. Bastards. I can't afford that. I went bohemian sometime last week. I look like hell. I've been shaving since the seventh grade so I've never seen myself grown out.

goddamnit, I've been working on SHOT and I've got nothing. I feel the same way about Atlee as I feel about SHOT. I wish I could just *get over it*. I'm so freaking down. I hate being depressed in the summertime. And I was wrong earlier. I am not ready to deal with the events of April 15th. I woke up yesterday remembering his birthday and hating myself for it.

I can't sleep. I have a major test tomorrow, too. So I am completely screwed. What else is new.

2/13/05
It's easier to deal with Chicago drama when you're back in NC. It's not as pressing. Atlee isn't going to drop in on me here or anything.

You know what's interesting? To completely change subjects, I've like, totally stopped liking Emmie. It happened in a space of about two hours. But I didn't realize it until I was talking to a Sammy the next day.

Well, me not liking Emmie isn't what's interesting. It's like the same feeling you get when you meet somebody in a bagel shop and you get to talking to them and then you have lunch together and then they call you and in like, three days, you've become best friends. You have nothing in common, but there's something about the two of you that just works. It was kind of like that. Only the opposite. It's the goddamn weirdest thing. I saw her today. I'm not even *physically attracted* to her anymore.

Anyway, I saw Atlee on the 18th. I was at one of the girls houses, there were maybe ten of us, just watching movies and listening to Tori (shaddup, shaddup!) Everybody's pretty good about um, not inviting both me and Atlee to the same place. But one of the girls had invited him over earlier in the evening, but he said he couldn't come, so they invited me. Fine. Well he showed up and the thing is, I don't understand why he's mad at me. The only thing I can think of is that after he ditched me, his people ditched him for me. Like I can really help that. (continued...bah)

01/01/04
I'm in Chicago again. No mind. I guess I'm getting used to the idea that Ma, she'll never stop giving me drama.

It's 10:30 am. It's Easter Sunday. I'm sitting in the office, smoking, listening to taj, deleting my cache. Everybody will be home in an hour or so. I had a freaking long talk on the phone with Eric last night. I really needed that. It's the first time I realized that I don't have to decide everything right now. But I've decided I'm not a baptist, at least. Which is why I'm not at service spanking incest .

We had ourselves quite a fight this morning. Dug ourselves up quite a bit of old stuff I thought I'd buried. By the way, I saw Atlee on Friday night. I'm really not ready to talk about it femdom drawings yet.

22/12/03
Lots happening, but I've been fixing el pinche computadora over here so I haven't been able to update.

So me and my mom get into another fight. Well actually it was a continuation of an old fight...from like, months ago. Damn. And she goes and calls me up and she's insulting me and generally trying to be clever. She's really into being clever. Tho it's underscored by the fact that if you are still pissed off about something insignificant that happened six months ago, you need to get a freaking life.

Anyway, one of the other things she yelled at me about was April 9th. The day of silence. We had unexpectedly good turnout for it at my school, by the way. So that was cool. She gave me lots of flack about participating in that. She seems to have this idea that I'm turning into a flaming homosexual here. She's odd like that. Even though earlier in the conversation she said sah, something about my ugly little troll hellspawn. So how does that work?
yes, my OWN MOTHER is the one who first called me an "ugly little troll". Last year sometime. I really wish I were making this up. Mom's actually the original source of most of the deroggatory nicknames my friends call me, tho my friends and I throw them around as terms of endearment.
Answer to rhetorical question: asexual reproduction! Har har har!

Bah, but I think she's the only person on earth who is more immature than I am. Last time I was in Chicago, I'm talking to Eric or somebody on the portable, right. I'm kind of a phone hog, but I'm reasonable. If you ask me to get off, I'll get off. No big deal. So I've been on the phone for a bit, and I turn around and mom's just giving me the go-to-hell look. You know the look. Only women can do it. So I'm like "what?" And she's all like "I've been needing to use the phone for fifteen minutes now." I gave her the phone, then I ran outside and giggled like a schoolgirl until I nearly pissed myself because what, you think I have eyes in the back of my head? What if I had walked out of the room, would you have followed me or just stood there like a dumbass, glaring at the wall, because I can freaking see through walls, right?

5/05/03
Thinking about you-know-who again. God this sucks, it's been damn near a year. I'm usually better at getting over stuff like that. And I'm not mad, just kind of down. Don't know why I'm dwelling on this. I mean everything else in life is going great, for once.

4/25/03
well I'm back. It was cool, that's all I have to say. You know how it is. I'm horribly sunburned and my camera has some scat shots on it that my roommates took while I was on the femdom can.

no wait, not pictures of me on the can...I mean while I was on the can they ran around taking shots of weird shit. And you ought to be proud of me, I didn't get wasted the whole time I was there. I'm happy. I got to go the beach which is cool because I haven't been to the beach in FOREVER, and this crew that used to be really stand-offish to me now thinks I'm cool.

12/04/03
Anyway it's kind of annoying me. Why does this guy even remember me, that's the first thing. I'm one of those people you don't really remember. I sat all the way across the room from him. I never talked or distinguised myself in that class in any way. We have one mutual friend, kind of, who secretly hates him anyway. So I'm sort of annoyed right now, kind of like what business does this bastard have with not "liking" me anyway, and if you really hated me enough to go up to my friend and tell her that you hate me, then you ought to be man enough to shove me into a locker or something, or at the very least tell me in person so I can maybe shove YOU into a locker, you bastard?

trip's back on, as long as we don't go to war. So that's awesome. And today was Fat Tuesday and I forgot to wear my Marti Gras stuff. Just as well, anybody who wore beads always got that whole "who'd you have to flash to get those?" bit. Real clever, yeah.

3/03/03
Because of all the snow we now have to go to school this saturday. I'm not even going to bother trying to get out of it.

So this guy that I don't know doesn't "like" me. He was in my "english" class last year. I've never even talked to him. I only remember his name because it's kind of a weird name, and a girl's besides. I have no idea why he doesn't like me. Maybe he's just jealous because I have a normal name.

2/27/03
dood, zompist's Dysfunctional family circus mirror (the one I had previously linked up at the top) went down. Thank the indifferent gods I'd backed up the entire site the week before. Don't let it warp your mind. Dang, I think I'm the last DFC mirror site still standing. Kind of scary, yes.

by the way, if that link doesn't work, go to this one. same damn thing except it's on a more stable host, yet has about five million ads. Which isn't a problem if you get a damn ad-blocker like a normal person.

(yes, directed at the nameless bastard who soiled my inbox)

If you are interested in hosting a DFC mirror, and I can send you the files. It's uh, a lot of files. 1,003 to be exact (and that's without the cat's ass!), so don't bother if you're on geocities. On free.hostdepartment, I actually had to create two accounts to hold it all. (oooh, illegal! don't NARC on me!)

2/22/03
Saw Chicago last night. Not really much to it...more of a musical than an actual real movie, but I've been getting really into jazz lately so it's all good. And I was with some of my favorite people in nc, so that was cool. I have a couple more amusing car stories to add to the list.

Now THAT's bad. I can't even drive yet and I already have like twenty amusing car stories. Most of them are in Chicago, but the scariest ones are here in NC. Because Chicago is hell for driving, sure, but you expect it to be 'cause it's a big city and all. I think it's because my people here are in more the uppermiddle class. They make bad drivers. No offense or anything, just saying.

2/18/03
Woot! no school!

some site news. I'm going to host a mirror to the I never participated in the DFC, as they went down before I figured my way around parental controls, but it made me laugh my ass off. The cat's ass, i should say.

And this locker surprise is seriously uh, well I'm just curious, really. What the hell is it? I thought about it for a while and I deduced two things:
1. Not a note. We're not really "note" people.
2. It's capable of fitting in my locker. 'course, I have a gigantic senior locker in the main hall (i have connections). By "gigantic" I mean "1/2 a centimeter too small to hold my damn case." It's tall enough sure, but not quiiiite wide enough and no...it won't fit that way either and oh shit..
2/15/03
but enough about me and being broke. hell, I'm always broke. I ought to be used to it by now. Anihoo I got some cool stuff for valentines day, which is always nice. 'cept one of my friends has some sort of surprise for me come monday. Yes, this is one of those weird friendships where we're always hitting on each other, but not in a sexy way, more in like a fooling- around way. A mindfuck, that's what it is. like pulling an atlee. (yes, atlee is both a noun and a verb)

It looks like I'm going back to Chicago for spring break. shoot me now. I mean I love my people, I really do. I may be staying with one of 'em actually which will make the whole thing easier.

2/11/03
sorry about the downtime. I hate my host on occasion...speaking of which, they just switched to paid. I guess I'm lucky I'm still free.

.at least february's short, anyway. I don't get the people who are against valentines day. I'm an ugly little troll and even I don't hate valentines day. Actually, I'm just glad that I'm not going to that thing Friday, because I am completely broke. Meaning no cigarettes. I'm having to seriously dig into my stash so I'm down to my last pack. (yes, I buy by the carton. I'd always told myself, it's okay johnny, you can stop, it's not like you buy them by the carton...but it's cheaper, at least)

I can't even afford a haircut, seriously. I look like a damn hippie right now. Yes, that's one bad thing about living with Dad. He's damn cheap. 'course it's not like mom's any better. But I get $15 a week, out of which I have to get lunch, clothes (not as bad as you'd think...I mostly just wear Ollie's old stuff), shoes, razorblades--which are GODDAMN expensive considering I'll wear out two blades a week, thankyou very much mr. goldstein-- and haircuts, underpants, anything I need for school, all of which adds up.

2/01/03
The Columbia went down...I was in 'Salem all day so I haven't seen the TV yet, but I've been listening to NPR all evening. Damn. As of right now, they say it probably wasn't terrorists, but pretty odd considering who was on board...

1/24/03
I went sledding all day. Can you believe this is the third snow this winter? Which is pretty good for down here. it's the perfect kind for sledding too. And it wasn't too cold out neither.

I hate it when people catch me being a moron. Gah, I usually do my ratings when I'm in a terrible mood...actually, this entire site is pretty much me and my bad attitude. But the ratings are expecially bad because most of them are from last year and yeah. I'm not really that much of a bastard in real life. And I can't be a bastard when I'm talking personally with somebody. Like you all know about how I can't stand Hilliary Clinton. It's not so much a Democrat thing as it is just a personal thing. But if Hilliary Clinton called me up and wanted to talk shop, I wouldn't be a bastard, really. Actually I think that would be a lot of fun and I'd be femdom flattered she called me and all.

Anihoo I hope this doesn't turn into some kind of flame war. I had one of those like a year ago with twelve Democrats. Nothing to do with the site.

1/21/03
I gained five pounds! : ) A year ago I'd have shot myself for that, but then, a year ago I weighed a hundred and fifty freaking pounds. So I'm finally getting over this. Yeah, it would have been nice to have been healthy a WEEK ago, when I was taking my EXAMS.

I got my grades back. (again, I'm actually happy about this) Here's the usual:
High Chem: B for the semester. If I'd worked harder it'd be an A. But that's just not my style.
English: Ugh, he told me and I can't remember. A on the exam, but I'm not sure of my semester average.
High Alg II: an 84.5 semester. No kidding. I asked: it rounds up. I got a B. When she told me I started jumping up and down. I hugged a guy. WOOT!
So that's the classes that matter. And me, I can't wait to be a fat bastard again. Nah, actually I'm just going to try and stay around 135. Because it was so miserable. And I can't for the life of me figure out why. I've always been chunky. And I can look back at photographs and stuff, and I carried it pretty well. I know when you look at the numbers it looks pretty bad, and even 125 on 5'3 would look chunky on most people, but I look scrawny right now. Maybe that's it, maybe people are used to seeing scrawny.

1/13/03
Goddamn it, I had a nice little entry here and my comp erased it. Anyhow, I'm sorry for the lack of updates, my internet connection went down.

Nearly got myself killed the other day over one of my stupid caracatures. Anybody who doesn't know me IRL, I've become proficent at drawing unflattering yet disturbingly accurate shots of eh, mostly political figures and famous people. Most people who are worth making fun of are men, but I can't draw men for some reason, but I'm pretty good at drawing women so uh, there you go. Think Richard Nixon as a Vegas showgirl. If i had a scanner I'd put it up.

I was trying to do saddam the other day but it wasn't working out so I did the guy who sits in front of me in English. I decided to be a little more rique than usual and did lingere. I've got the whole richard james-esque "rar" look, fishnet-stockings stiletto heels thong underwear thing going with sexy pjs, the kind you see in Victoria Secret for a hundred and fifty dollars and it's just like, you're going to be naked in ten minutes anyway so what's the point? Anyway, it's more than I usually do.

naturally, i left it in my fifth period class.

I wasn't too worried about that guy finding it. He'd think it was hilarious, he's that type. Even if he wasn't, I could still take him. No, I was worried that the teacher would find it, and report me to the counselling center and they'd think I was a sexual deviant and they'd call my parents and make me go back to Chicago and ugh.

I don't think I'm a deviant, anyway. It's not like it was doing anything lewd. In most of them they're either standing there or in a Rockette's pose or just going "look at me!" This particular one was holding a feather. I had one of my usual goofy captions, which are usually offensive, but more in a political way than a pornographic way. Besides, most people (even ladies) think they're hilarious. I will admit that I went a little overboard with the fishnets, but I've never been known for my good femdom stories judgement.

So after 6th period I high-tailed it to fifth. Hot DAMN that was close. When I get there she's just about to open it (i had it all folded up). Even if she hadn't called the office, it would still have been weird to be in that class for the next six months with her knowing I'm a deviant.

1/1/03
haha, i already broke my resolution. I was expecting to at least last a few weeks, but then again, I wasn't expecting to see Atlee. But I had a good new years. Me and one of my friends just rented a movie. (no, i didn't kiss him at midnight..)

Eh, my dad's out of town. So my stepbro has to drive with me. How annoying. Now my dad's been doing the driving thing with me the whole time, so we're on the same page. Ollie keeps reminding me to stop at redlights. Uh yeah. I said that I was quite a bit further on than that but he wouldn't listen and now he's mad at me and my sister's mad at me, and I don't need to quit smoking, I just need everybody to stop yelling at me.

12/31/02
Hows yall doing? I'm doing fine. I saw the guy on chatfield yesterday. Nearly shit my pants right there in the bookstore. I'm looking through the first Amphigorey (without paying, naughty naughty!), I look up and it's the fight- or-flight instinct. Run away! Kick him! He's already spotted me. He was squinting right AT me. But he wasn't...doing anything. I dared to look back at him...no, this was just his curious squint. Then it hit me. He didn't recognize me. Because I'm scrawny and pasty and sick. I'm down to 120. Last time he saw me...hell in May I was borderline-fat, around a hundred and fifty or so. I've also since got braces, new frames, and grown sideburns. We also got rid of the Datsun, so he couldn't have even recognized that in the parking lot.

So I was hit with a dilemma. Should I say something and totally freak him out. Like uh, "hey Atlee, remember me?" Something all nice and painfully casual. Or maul him with the Amphigorey. He's bigger than me sure, but it would take him a few seconds to react. Then I felt my stomach turn. Would I ralph on him? That would be awesome. I mean seriously, I could always just claim it was an accident. [insert something about how i'm actually going to quit smoking this year] I chickened out. I ran off to the bathroom and made like the prom queen. [oh who are we kidding, i've never been able to last more than a week]
proadult quantum
12/26/02
I'm sick again. weird.

This is great. I mean Christmas is fun and all, but it's kind of nice to know that it's over, that we can take everything down and stop listening to Christmas music and be ourselves again.

12/25/02
I pulled that one pretty freaking close. I finished all my christmas shopping yesterday afternoon at three-ish. There's a couple people left, but I won't see them 'till school anyway.

We actually had a normal Christmas this year. Nobody got into a fight. Nobody got too drunk. I managed to buy something nice for my entire family...including my people in Chicago. Meaning my stepmommy and all them. So it was a nice change of pace.

'course, i mostly got pajamas. But my family is big on pajamas, so there you go. Heck, I got my sister pajamas. Nice ones, mind you, but still.